You're not going out wearing that, are you?

A couple of years ago, in connection with a work project, a woman offered to "do my colours" for me. She was a "colourologist", or similar; which meant she would examine my skin, eye and hair shades and offer advice about which colours would make me look the most gorgeous and give me the most confidence.

I don't want to denigrate what is obviously a highly skilled and valuable profession, but it seemed a bit of a doddle.  Essentially, she held what looked like a Dulux paint chart against my face and recoiled with varying degrees of horror.  Finally, she delivered her verdict: I should stick to strong, vibrant colours -- purples, forest green, cobalt blue and pillar box red. Under no circumstances was  I to go anywhere near pastels.  Especially not pink.

That's one reason why you won't see my name at the head of GC in the Giro this year -- the maglia rosa would do nothing for my skin tone.

I've obviously tried to follow her advice to the letter ever since; but it's not easy when you're a cyclist.  Bike clothing does tend to come in a range of sludge-like greys and dull muddy hues. Or, if it's pro team clothing -- more pastels than a tray of fairy cakes.  

Take this year's crop.  We've already discussed the drawbacks of pale blue and white clothing (they are many but they can all be filed under the heading "Male Genitalia; unnecessary drawing of attention to") so that's half the peloton ruled out before we start.

I don't actually mind the Slipstream-Chipotle effort: I accept that pale blue and orange are unlikely to trouble the rails at Versace this year, but I quite like the Argyle bits.  I almost wish they'd gone for the full Jimmy Tarbuck on the golf course effect instead of just highlights.

I guess it's just another factor which is likely to delay my call-up to the pro-ranks for another season ("Hello Johan, what's that? You want a tubby slowcoach to complete the team for Paris-Nice?  It's a nice thought but -- sky blue and yellow, with my skin? You know it's not happening, girlfriend")

My club kit is bright red, which is OK -- although the red panel in the back of the shorts reveals a little too much unsightly bum-crackage on male riders.

But my favourite current kit is -- on the face of it -- the least suitable.  As a Crystal Palace season ticket holder, I was always going to have a soft spot for Geoff Thomas.  And the chance to buy the full Geoff Thomas Foundation kit from Impsport was too good to miss -- buy new cycling clothes and donate to a good cause at the same time -- what's not to love?

Even if it is the most sickly shade of pale green and white, I wear it with pride. 

And  if you're anywhere near Manchester next Saturday, make sure you get along to the Velodrome for the latest Revolution meeting and watch Geoff thrash some lardy rugby-player in the Italian pursuit.